10 Amazing Facts off My Head

Posted by Guest Contributor on Dec 7, 2011 in Alerts | 7 comments

By Ahmed Zafar Iqbal, a sophomore busy chilling at LUMS. Ahmed is also our ambassador at LUMS.

Disclaimer: This article is extremely lame. This article doesn’t have a point. This article is a waste of time. The author is a very shady person. He is a Zionist agent, an American agent, a RAW agent, a Tailban agent, a West Hampshire Billiards Club agent – all at the same time. Yes. Now shoo!

 1. Scientists have discovered a planet made entirely out of diamond

Yes, they have. I mean seriously, they have discovered a whole frikkin’ planet made entirely out of diamond, whichever form of carbon that was. I mean seriously! There’s a whole PLANET out there, made out of this pointless shiny rock, and we still have African slave labor dying out there - mining this stupid metal… err… rock. Oh but now I got my hands on a DIAMOND! Oooooh! Let’s go out and propose to the next relatively hot looking girl who falls for our sorry ass.

2. Hitler had one testicle

No joke, it’s true. Kind of makes you wonder if this was the reason why he kind of went psycho on the world and ended up pissing a lot of people off. OMG! I HAVE A LACK OF <<round bouncy play-thing word here (pluralized)>>!!! THE JEWS MUST PAAAYYYY ARRRGHHHH!!!!!!! INVADE THE POLES!!!  SHIVVVERRR ME TIMMBBBERRSSS ARRGHHHH!!!!! ENDORSE EUGENICISM ARRRRRRR!!!!!!!

3. Jesus Christ was most probably not born on December the 25^th

And by most probably, I mean most definitely. There is absolutely no proof that Christ was born anywherenear December, period. The popular reason given as to why December the 25^th was chosen as Christ’s Birthday has a lot to do with astrology and very little to do with Baby Christ actually being born then. Something about three small stars aligning with the brightest star in the night sky (Sirius?). Seriously, most modern historical estimates date his actual birthday to somewhere around March… Not really the season for a “Ho Ho Ho” and some “Merry Christmas” cheers now is it? The answer would be no. No it isn’t.

4. Angelina Jolie is hot - ‘Nuff said.

5. Coke was initially marketed as a medicine, and was originally colored green

Actually, some reports even go as far as to say that Coke was initially a mixture of cocaine and alcohol, hence the name ‘Coca’-Cola. Whenever that happened, it was later or initially, depending on whether the whole cocaine part is true; marketed as energy boosting medicine with vital sugars and nutrition for the class of people whose professions demanded a lot of mental exercise (priests, doctors, lawyers, etc.). This greenish delight was also marketed as something that one should give to their babies, for a healthy growth. The founder of Coca-Cola later had to relinquish his rights to this gold-mine right here due to a crippling morphine addiction which afflicted him. Oh the irony?

6. Alcohol was legal in Pakistan before Zia-ul-Haq’s regime

And neither was Pakistan the ‘Islamic Republic of Pakistan’ when it was founded. Alcohol was legal and disco clubs plenty in this young aspiring modern and progressive nation of ours; that is, of course, until Zia-ul-Haq came and wanted all the pretty Pakistani ladies on Television to cover their hair with a dupatta! And then came the Islamisation of Pakistan. Was it because Zia-ul-Haq needed all the religious zeal and accompanying zealots to garner support for the invading communists to the West? Who knows.

7. The ISI and the CIA created the Taliban

Here is how it worked: Soviet Russia attacks Afghanistan; America no likey. America gives lots of love to the government in Afghanistan by channeling funds to them through the excellent Inter-Services Intelligence (ISI), who ultimately decide who the winners and losers of this epic chess game were going to be. Actually, it was less of a chess game and more of a oh-look-Soviet-scum-you-just-got-your-ass-kicked-pretty-bad-and-now-you’re-humiliated-and-defeated-lol. The Soviets are driven back, not long before their empire starts to crumble. America offers to buy their weapons - which they supplied in the first place to the Afghani mujahideen - back at reasonable price; the mujahideen however had plans of their own and refused. Thus the Taliban were born! Using their ultra-super-powers… Well, they’ve done a lot of damage if you ask me personally.

8. The ISI was responsible for the biggest event of the previous century

The fall of communism. Period. We don’t get much credit now do we? Whether it was good or bad, of course, is up for debate.

9. You are currently hurtling through space at a speed in excess of 60,000 mph

It’s true, that’s the speed with which the Earth travels around the sun. Still remember reading this from when I was a kid. Good days. *sniff*.

10. Winston Churchill was rejected by Oxford University, J.K. Rowling is the only author in history to have become a billionaire solely through writing books, and now she’s richer than the bloody Queen, there might be as many as 21 physical dimensions in the known universe whilst we only live in the 3^rd, Alexander the Great had a gay lover (whoops!), the Large Hadron Collider is the largest physics particle accelerator in the world. Marilyn Monroe at the height of her fame used to go out in public without make-up and was not recognized at all.

This article is awesome. Please note that when the author said off of the top of his head, he meant it. He really did not bother checking Google, which was literally two clicks away, to confirm whether the author’s memory was still serving him well. And so any inaccuracies are highly lamented, frowned upon, viewed with disgust and accused and passed off as unprofessional behavior. Vote for Imran Khan, by the way. The guy has a plan.

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