Confessions of a Confused, Pakistani Teenager: Part I
By Haleema Khan
Throughout my life, I have been inspired, by women who come from all walks of life. Each of them hail from different backgrounds, they have different personalities, different opinions and different stories. Some of them are strong-willed, determined and successful; the others are insecure and only starting to find their own way in the world. Some of these women are optimists and believe in love and marriage and happiness and babies, the others are non-believers in just about everything. While some of them have taught me to always stay positive and find happiness in everything, their pessimistic counter-parts have cautioned me to always be on the lookout for the evil that lurks in just about everyone and everything. These women aren’t my mother, or my sister, or even someone I know remotely. I’ve never met these women. In fact, these women don’t even really exist.
Being an only child can get tough at times. You find yourselves in situations where you don’t have someone to look up to. There is no one you can tell your deepest, darkest secrets to; no one to guide you through life. You have no one to influence you. You have no one to depend on. You don’t have that sense of relief in knowing no matter what you do, no matter how bad you screw things up, you have someone who you can love and trust to be there for you. For me it was different. Whenever I felt lost and uninspired, I didn’t have to look any further away than the fictional women in my life.
My metamorphosis into a teenager wasn’t, by any means, easy. But I am glad I had all the inspiration from
Princess Mia, at a time that is bound to take a toll on just about anyone. My best friend, ironically also named Amelia, could do just about everything. She could sing, dance, act, and on top of everything else, was a brilliant student. So it was inevitable that one day, I woke up feeling utterly useless and talentless. I was lucky to have Mia. In the Princess Diaries, when Mia went through a similar phase, where she thought she was good for nothing, a whole book was dedicated to her finding her true calling. That moment of truth, when it dawned on her, in the last pages of the Princess Diaries Volume IV, that she was, in fact, a gifted writer, a light bulb went off in my head. Maybe I wasn’t, after all, just a stupid girl living in the shadow of my best friend. And that night when I tucked myself into bed, reading another one of the pretty pink Princess Diaries volumes, I was content at knowing that there was probably one thing I could potentially be great at. I had Mia to share that moment with me. And we all know how well it turned out for me later.
The first time I fell in love, it came as no surprise that Mia was who I turned to for advice. In the book, when Mia fell in love with Michael, she went through a wide range of emotions, and luckily for me, it was all noted down in the book. It was comforting to know that everything I was feeling at that time was perfectly normal. Mia taught me everything I needed to know in that situation; what to say, what not to say, how to act, how to feel. It was all there. Mia was my guide to survival in those turbulent years.
Then I grew up. Just a little. Entering the jungle known as LGS was a whole other story. I could no longer hide behind the atrocious BHS u
niform; it was no longer okay for me to look like a boy. I was surrounded by all these ‘young ladies’ and in order to fit in into my new environment, I needed to turn over a new leaf. So I turned to Blair Waldorf. Blair was every LGS girls’ dream come true. We all looked up to her; we all wanted to be her. Blair taught me how to dress up, how to accessorize (headbands, anyone?), how to be graceful and poised. I can’t say I went all the way through with the advice I got, because, well, not everyone has access to an unlimited amount of money, but Blair did wonders for me and my ridiculously low self-esteem. She taught me how to stand up for myself, a lesson I so desperately needed (and one that never really registered in my brain). She also taught me how and when to let go of the people you love, but never to secretly give up hope.
When I found myself wanting to transition from a teen into an adult, I decided to cut back on all the cheesy High School drama filled TV shows that included the likes of Gossip Girl and 90210 and Pretty Little Liars and The Vampire Diaries, because for me, sadly, that phase in my life was over. I also decided to definitely stay away from all the reality TV that I am so hopelessly addicted to, with shows like The Jersey Shore and The Hills and the Kardashians, because they only feature people who NEVER grew out of being teenagers (I don’t know how long I can restrain myself, with the new season of Jersey Shore airing August 4). Just as I felt my thoughts and emotions starting to change, so did my taste in TV shows. I decided to watch Grey’s Anatomy, and that is when I found all the inspiration I needed to feed my new obsession with, finally, growing up. The doctors of Seattle Grace were everything that I wanted to be (even though they did put me off the idea of being a doctor).
If I needed motivation, I turned to Christina Yang. She taught me how it simply wasn’t okay to be a slob and live your life without any dreams and goals. She was smart and focused and ready to do whatever it took to succeed. When I felt hopelessly depressed, I thought about everything Meredith Grey had gone through in her life, and that made me feel better about mine. Izzie Stevens balanced out all the ‘dark and twisty’. She not only taught me how not to let even the most stressful situations get to you, but also when it was okay to break down. These women not only showed me how to be an adult, but also how to survive being an adult.
All of this confuses me. I live in Pakistan, and I think of myself as a proud patriot. But somehow, all the women that have helped shape my life are so different from what I was supposed to be, or what everyone expects me to be. They come from a completely different culture than what is supposed to be mine. No matter how much I’ve taken from all these women, my life is supposed to be completely different from theirs. My culture, my morals, my values are supposed to be a world apart from theirs. Our lives were never supposed to cross paths, but they did. Looking at these women live their lives raises my expectations for mine. And I can’t decide if that is a good thing or a bad thing. So, can I really blame myself for being the way I am? Right now, I can’t really say I know…
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You have spent so much time being others, don't you think one must forget their own place? Why not be yourself and make a stand for what you believe and do what you want to do.
Surely, there is no replacement for a human in this world
Well, as they say, you learn from others' mistakes. I, unfortunately, didn't have a whole lot of people to learn from, so it was inevitable that I learnt some of life's most valuable lessons from TV. Apart from that, a majority of this post is about me transitioning from a child to a teenager, and in that stage, we all tend to be very impressionable. I think you should wait for the next part of this post, and then I hope you'll find the answer to your question.
I hope so. That is very true though. We look towards people who we are impressed by.
I still remember wanting to get my hair done like Shahid Afridi's because he hit the fastest century. Lol.
Interesting read
Thank you
This is sooo relatable! Nicely written!
thank you!
this is very interesting. when is the next part coming?
I'm working on the next part at the moment. Thank you!
Interesting read
You should write more often. I saw this on Facebook and I must say I am very impressed. Will check back soon to see if part 2 has come out.
Thank you! I'm working on the next part right now.
It is funny to see how much thoughts and ideas have changed from since the time I was a teenager.
Plz explain what you mean by lgs and bhs?
BHS is short for Bloomfield Hall School. LGS is short for Lahore Grammar School.
I LOVE THIS HALEEMA
thank you fatima
heyy, i really like the way you've composed this
but don't you think that the values you've written about, the ones that u admired in the a fore mentioned women, are universal? It is perhaps kismet that you've not come across women in our society who share these values and strictly abide by them, maybe because it is convenient to turn on the TV and see these characters rather than looking around us for inspirational women, (hey! it could be your teacher\maid\mom\cousin for all you know).
also about the love part, try asking your mom about it and what she'll tell you would be…pure gold,believe me.
Just saying, don't take what iv said the wrong way, i know what it feels like not to have anyone to confide to, and it can get really painful at times.
No I do agree with you on that, but I guess what i was trying to say was that whenever I was going through a certain phase in my life, I always found a fictional character going through the same thing and I would always derive inspiration from them. It was just a case of perfect timing, I guess. Of course I've come across with many inspirational people in our society, but I guess it was always the fictional ones I depended on for guidance during certain rough patches.
Thank you for the compliments though, I really appreciate it.
I was going to say the same that maybe you should derive inspiration from someone from your own society, but after reading your comment above I decided not to. You are right. Whenever we go through a rough patch having someone go through the same problems to talk to is like a blessing in disguise.
Wonderfully composed. Will be checking back to see if you have written the second part to this post.
That, precisely is what I was trying to say without sounding to self-pitying, haha! Thank you for the copliments!
too*
once i started reading this i couldnt take my eyes off of it…. very catchy and funny! great job!!
Why, thank you
I absolutely loved reading this!!! =D
You should consider writing a book!
I'm thinking about it haha
You really are a writer! Every Pakistani teenager will be able to relate to this.
Thank you. I really do appreciate it!
I am in LOVE LOVE LOVE with this!!
pleeeaase make sure the next part is as good as this one!
Thanks a bunch kinza, I will try my best!
Where are the confessions in this article? Apart from the fact that you seem to have an identity crisis!
I'm sorry but there is a DIFFERENCE between being inspired and wanting to be someone. As for the confessions, they are there. You've just got to learn to read between the lines.
There is a very thin line between being inspired and acting like someone, and by reading this article it just seems that you have crossed the line. I'm not saying that you HAVE its just the sort of impression one gets from the article.
If I hadn't stumbled upon your picture on Facebook, I would've taken you as a lonely depressed girl with no life. I'm sorry but that is just the idea I'm getting from your article, I don't mean to offend you.
What does what I look like have to do with me being lonely or depressed? :s
When i was growing up.. I was a wreck! No self esteem, no confidence no looks! I was that girl who was left out in everything, not invited to parties…i jsut wasnt upto their standard of 'coolness' i was often picked on by the rest of popular girls… till i decided i've had enough…_2 years later… i was one of the most popular girl in the school…most of the 'bullies' were my classmates and ihad given them a well deserved piece of my mind!_the funny thing my lonliness also pushed me to start writing diaries… and eventually my love for writing led me to get a degree in literature and i was awarded a gold medal by the prime minister Gillani. _So now when i look back m thankful for all those torturing days when i would cry on my to school coz i didnt have a friend… i am thankful for what i went through coz it would not have made me who i am today!_my advise would be to drop the characters and find your own way! when u start relying on ur own powers instead of 'borrowed' help, it works wonders for you in the long run!
thank you for your comment*
I dont know why this came out wrong, and I dont know why everyone thinks I'm depressed and lonely after reading this :p maybe it's because you guys don't know me personally, but I really feel like I need to explain. I AM my own person. What I meant in this article was that these people were there to SHARE my moments with me. And that is not because I didnt have a very large social circle, because I do, but because I just like to keep my feelings to myself. Maybe I'm functioned like that. So for every phase of my life when I was experiencing something new, I just found inspiration from someone. I never tried to be like these people, and that was not the intention of this article either. I'm a well rounded individual, and I have always been.
The basic idea i had for writing this article was to stress on the irony of the fact that I am Pakistani, and I've never been to the USA, but somehow all these people that taught me some of lifes most important lessons are American. Hence the last paragraph. I guess I got carried away and it didn't turn out like what I had meant for it to be.
VERY nicely written Haleema. *Applause*
Love this!
So relate-able! SO me (and i’m a boy
)
totally relate-able! princess diaries and gossip girl is the kind of phase every goes through i guess
as for grey’s anatomy, my inspiration has been BONES instead, loved the article.. and where is the 2nd part? 
LOL come to think of it, we shard the same best friends!
A veerrrry enjoyable read. I loved it.