Confessions of a Pervert
Ever come across a pervert in your life? Probably you have.
Ever endeavored to hear their end of story? No you haven’t.
So let me tell a story, my story – the story of a pervert.
I admit this is only one version of a story and perhaps you won’t like it but i hope you will keep your patience and bear with it.
I was born pure and innocent like every other child in this universe. So what went wrong? Well here is the answer. I think that my family went careless in my upbringing. That and some idiotic elder cousins who liked to share their dirty thoughts with a child.
To elaborate, what my family did wrong was that they watched movies with me in the same room. Perhaps they thought a kid of two years wouldn’t notice. But that’s the worst assumption. After two years the kids do notice and start to memorize everything they watch or hear. After I grew a little older, they would send me out of the room when some “scene” came but before I got out I had already noticed what the actresses were wearing or the intimacy portrayed. And afterwards I wondered why my family sent me out during those scenes. My curiosity turned into some kind of obsession and I started watching those scenes secretly to find the truth in them. Of course, I didn’t learn anything then but those episodes added to my mental collection of seductive images waiting to trap me later in life. I was in grade 2 and already I had seen a girl in a thong in some stupid movie my brother was watching with me in the room. He didn’t care how it would affect me. Sometime later in life, I finally realized that this type of imagery was wrong but I was still a child so this didn’t stop me from watching them. With the passage of time my thinking got worse and then came the phase of adolescence.
My thoughts gave me a very hard time till came a day when I learnt masturbation. Even though I had reached teens, there was no one to guide me and without any guidance, I entered into a practice that I regretted most and probably will keep regretting it till the end of my life.
Finally when I realized the horror of what I had been doing, I tried to stop. But it turned out it wasn’t that easy. I had developed some sort of addiction to this Goddamn practice and trying to stop altogether evoked withdrawal symptoms which wasn’t easy to cope with. Finally I did manage to stop myself but not before the damage was done.
Interestingly, no one can guess the real me through my outlooks. I have outstanding academic record. My name is on the merit list of one of the best institutes of this country. My female cousins regard me as one of the most decent boy within our family (If only they knew). Perhaps God has blessed me with everything except peace of mind.
How hollow I feel when someone gives the example of my excellent academic record or my decent personality whereas I am what? A hypocrite, a freak, a pervert. My thinking stinks as it always did. I strip off the girls mentally when i am talking to them. My mind fills with obscene visions during prayers and recitation of Holy Quran and I hate myself so much for being like that.
Sometimes I think of committing suicide. But most of the times I wish Someone was there to guide me, to channel my energies on to positive things.
I am broken now. My mental capabilities have started deteriorating. My memory isn’t what it was before. My grades have started slipping. Emotions are empty. Thoughts are incoherent. If only… if only I hadn’t gotten involved in this, how different my life could have been. I thank God that I still have some goodness left in me which is my only hope now.
I have penned down my story in hope of saving the future generations of our country. I know that life has become so fast now that parents and family members usually don’t find enough time to know what their children are doing. I would beg them to keep their children away from the media and internet and try to channel their kids’ capabilities in positive ways. God save us all!