Desi FRAAAANDSHIP

Posted by Guest Contributor on Sep 19, 2012 in Brainless Blitz | 12 comments

Hareem Khan is a 16-year-old who loves writing and is looking forward to write a whole lot of articles for the sake of fun.

NO, I DON’T WANT “FRAAAANDSHIP” WITH YOU

(P.s: the idea of writing an article on this topic does not belong to me)

These lines are mostly heard from people who have an unwanted obsessive attention to people or a particular individual. Yes, who else could they be? The stalkers.

Most people reading this, especially girls, probably already know the drill. If you happen to be a female in Pakistan and if your age just so happens to fall between 16-19 are liable to have already a number of stalkers be it the weird cell-phone ones who text Punjabi-loved poems or smiley faces offering “fraandship” or of the corporeal variety.

What is particularly interesting about cellphone and/or Facebook stalkers is in Pakistan is the consistency of their attack and their sense of vocabulary with which they continue to assume the word “no” means “now”. The philosophical preposition “dirty hands argument” tends to apply to the case of prank callers. The argument involves the justification often purported for acting badly, that ‘if we don’t do it, someone else will…so we might as well do it’. I know this person who once had prank calls all over her house. When her brother or father picked up, the person would hang up the phone but whenever a woman picked up, you would hear sounds of breathing or sometimes even romance poetry. She can’t decide between the facts whether Pakistani guys are so frustrated that they get a kick out of hearing female voice or they do it for fun bit it’s annoying and (I don’t feel any good by using this word but oh well) ‘cheap’.

What I don’t get is: what do phone stalkers get by being hung up on or having their text messages ignored? I am completely taking for granted here that the person on the other end of the line has a foresight to ignore the calls. If not than he or she deserve whatever they get.
Is it the aim of the stalkers to wake up someone when they’re sleeping or to disturb them during heavy hours of work with hordes of texted Punjabi love poems or smiley faces offering ‘fraandship’ or is it that the caller knows there is someone on the other end and that someone happens to be……..wait for it……..a woman.

Here are a number of don’t’s an average girl should think about putting them up on her sleeves:

1.      Never make direct eye contact with men while driving, shopping and/or at restaurants. (They are the main reason for prank calls but then again, there’s a whole other list)

2.      Never smile at them. It takes less than a minute for the charity to run and chat invite on Facebook, Skype, Twitter and what you have.

3.      When receiving a prank calling, never pick up and swear at them. Because if you do then guess what? You just bought yourself three more months.

4.      Never ever, ever, ever write your cell phone number on restaurant comment cards or promotional scheme vouchers. Seriously, that’s just stupid …borderline, blonde-joke stupid.

5.      The best way of dealing phone stalkers is to switch on the phone, put it under a pillow and let them talk to themselves hoping it won’t take long for them to realise their phone plan cannot afford you. They give up eventually when they start swearing at you. That, or when they find a prettier voice.

So girls, should we push the Pakistan Telecommunication Authority that help us all coping with these degenerates and find out who the first cell phone stalker in Pakistan is.

Wait, I have a better idea. I think we should all be sharpening our pitchforks for the girl who fell for it!

Related posts:

1. The Alarming Horror